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any advice appreciated

Posted by mad pigeon lady on 16 December 2017.

Hi, Ive been with my partner for 14 years now, we have two children together (7 &8) and 3 from previous relationships.

It is almost 12pm and my partner has still not came home after finishing work around 3pm yesterday, I can see from his online banking that he has once again spent the majority the weeks wages in the space of two hours, no doubt on the roulette machine in bet fred and on coke, Im not worried about him- this is pretty much a weekly occurance, he will be with one of his "friends" who encourage him to stay out snorting all night despite knowing he has a family waiting for him at home and all the arguements it will cause.

When I try to talk to him and tell him he needs to get help for his problems he tells me its his money and he works all week for it so its none of my business how he spends it, nor is it my business that he stays out all night, I dont work myself so we only have his income coming in, this means that I have to put the majority of bills, 
 and food shopping on my credit cards.
I feel more and more withdrawn from life, I only go out the house to take the children to and from school and I do a couple of hours volunteering in a charity shop (this allows me to feel like i have a normal life for a couple of hours) anything other than this I struggle with. I feel in a constant state of worry and struggle to find enjoyment in anything.

If I could just get some confidence back I could try to get a job myself which would mean I could ask him to leave and I think me and the children would be a lot happier, however over the years he has made so many little jokes about my appearance and personality that I feel like an ugly useless person, last month he was really wasted and pulled me out of bed and threw me round the room a bit with a few kicks thrown in for good measure, I was bruised for weeks. Yesterday morning before he went to work we had a bit of a disagreement again and he smacked me round the face wth a sock, it sounds stupid because it really didnt hurt but I just couldnt stop crying, I think it was because if he had of had something else to hand he would of hit me with that and I realised I am actually frightened of him.

It is his mums 80th birthday party tonight, she has been getting on at me because I dont want to meet up with her for coffee mornings, Ive told her that me and my partner are going through a really bad patch and I dont feel comfortable meeting up with her and the family socially whilst things are this way, she said If I dont go to her party she will never forgive me, I dont know whether to go and sit there unhappy all night pretending everythings all ok, or not go and have all the angry messages of her and his brothers left on my phone.
Im not even sure why I am writing on this, perhaps I need a strangers comment to give me the courage to get help and start trying to rebuild a better life.


Icarus Trust
1 Jan 2018

I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties, and thank you for sharing your story. it may be that you would find some help by calling the National Domestic Violence Helpline, as they will give you advice on your situation and what to do next. Their number is 0808 2000 247 and it is free to call, open 24 hours a day, and calls are confidential. You could also look at Women’s Aid’s website, they are the national charity working to keep women and children safe and they have a directory of local support services which you can find here -
Also you may wish to contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support for people who are being affected by the addictions of a family member or friend. We have experienced trained people who would understand what you are dealing with, that you could talk to. Maybe that would help you to find a way ahead.
You can contact us on or visit the website
Wishing you all the best.

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