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I keep getting it wrong

Posted by UnrecognisableMe on 4 September 2015.

My partner of 3 years is an alcoholic. A bi-polar, anxious, introverted alcoholic. And one of the most wonderful people i know.
I am so lost, and clutching at straws as to whether any kind words from others can help at this point. I am sorry if I ramble, but I just have to say it! Someone has to read my story for it to not be a horrible dream. I need it to be real.

He is lovely, complimentary, he gives me affection and tries so hard every day to fight a disease which has taken him. Stolen him. I feel so bad for even voicing my problems because after reading what others go through, I feel like it may be all in my head.

He doesnt want help. I always ask him if there is anything i can do, if he wants to talk about it... and he hates it. But what else do i do? Sit back and watch him slowly kill himself? I hate feeling so helpless, and feeling like if he does kill himself then it will all be my fault. And by saying that, i hate myself for being so selfish.

He runs away from conversations about his drinking, it is a giant elephant in the room. He can feel me anger every time he has a drink but we say nothing. Until i break and scream and shout until we are both upset and it doesn't help. It just makes things worse. Ive tried calmly talking, even scheduling time on a calendar to discuss options and help for both of us. But he isnt invested in anything and becomes defensive. He went to his doctor and then to a counsellor once a month. Once a month?! What about the other 30 days that we need help. Apparently that is all funding will allow.

I think about leaving, and wonder what he would do to himself if i left. It keeps me awake at night, the fear of the harm he would do to himself. On the good days, and they are wonderful days when he drinks less, he tells me he doesn't know what he would do without me.
I feel i am under such immense amounts of pressure to say the right thing at the right time when all he does is tell me that there is no right thing. 

He left the house one day, and by 1am i was frantic. Regardless of the fact he is a 28 year old man, i was so frightened for him. I drove around for 2 hours, a circuit of all the local pubs, routes home. Eventually i gave up but heard him come back 20 minutes later. Something dreadful had happened, which he cant remember because he was so drunk. But he knew something awful had happened. I was argumentative, and emotional. He fought me, physically, out of the room before falling asleep. He had never been violent before and i knew that he may not remember.

He did remember, a small part. The next evening he came to find me, begged me to stay with him that night as he was struggling to stay alive.

We are both still here, fighting to stay alive. We dont talk about anything, he wants no help. I have nothing else to offer and destroying myself by being a bystander to this awful monster killing the love of my life.

I need.... something. I dont know what it is. Hope is a lie.


4 Sep 2015

Never give up hope...oh dear what an awful situation..there is nothing harder than watching someone you love slowly kill themselves...I know you love him, but violence is the worst,and I doubt it won't be the last time he does it..sorry if that sounds harsh, but I can't flower it up for you....and know that you can't save him...he has to want to save for saying the right thing, there are no words that are right for the situation you are both need support's the best thing I did. It made me realise i don't have to put up with my sons behaviour, and it made me realise I can set boundaries,which I have....good luck Hunni xxx

7 Sep 2015

Adfam are sorry to hear about your difficulties and thank you for sharing your story. There are some organisations which run helplines that may be able to advise you around these issues – Respect (0808 802 4040), Women’s Aid (0808 2000 247), and Drinkline (0300 123 1110) - or you can find more information on their websites by searching Google. You can also access the Adfam directory in order to find local support groups in your area ( We hope this has been useful and if you need any further information do not hesitate to email

3 Oct 2015

I am in the same situation as you with my brother! He lapsed tonight & I had to refuse him back into my home as he was drunk. He became verbally aggressive so I called the police to have him removed. He is now on the streets with no home & this isn't the first time & I am devastated. He did this 2 weeks ago. He thinks I don't notice & he can pull the wool over my eyes. The family are torn apart & everyone has given up on him after years of problems. I am so alone & I know I have to think of myself now & my health! 😩 I feel your pain but your brother like mine may manipulate you to get what they want through their own selfishness & destructiveness. You must take care of yourself.

8 Oct 2015

Your story mirrors everything I have been thinking and feeling, I wish i could give you a hug. I want to believe that we can get through this and that it will get better. But for myself I am worried at what it might cost. I feel like I'm getting more and more isolated and even starting to doubt my own sanity. Take care of yourself.

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