mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli


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In memory of my darling twin brother Andy x

Posted by CazAndyx on 20 October 2014.

Words could never express the agonising journey I have been on since my brother passed away in February 2014, 4 weeks before our Birthday.
14 years ago he gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, he rang me crying with joy, he said he wants to give her the childhood we were stripped off.  He said she was his miracle and he couldn't wait for me to see her. 
As she grew and his love grew he started having flash backs of his childhood and visualising her being hurt and unable to comprehend how anyone could physically hurt a baby, child. 
He always dabbled in drugs, cannabis, acid, you name it he tried it, mainly to self-medicate to block out childhood trauma. He always apologised for not being able to protect me, and even though he was a child he held on to that guilt. I remember as a boy he always looked sad, his asthma was really bad, we lived in fear everyday of our lives until we left home. Head fractures, bruises, belted, soap in our mouths, force fed food we didn't like, being called black bastards and niggers every day of our lives, abused as though we had no purpose. Mother had mental health and alcohol problems; step father was an alcoholic, racist and made it quite clear that we were worthless. We weren't allowed to talk with one another, we were forced to go out stealing, the neighbours used to feed us, begging for cigarettes and we used to go to the markets when they were clearing up to get the scraps of fruit. 
He was sent away for being the 'psycho' he got into trouble, he used to beg the headmaster not to expel him, he would cry and fall to his feet in fear of being returned home. 
I remember mother ringing the stepfather telling him to come and sort him out and he'd go into the bedroom and beat him, and Id hear him being thrown around and beaten he was screaming. 
I recall coming home from a friend’s house and being told when the step father returns he said there will be blood all over the walls, when I asked whose I was told all of ours. I asked to leave the home and was told I was a selfish bitch and that if it was going to happen it was going to happen to all of us! 
We were told we were thick, we were stupid, we weren’t allowed to sit in the same room as our sister when she was doing her homework, he used to turn the television over when a black person was on, when he returned drunk he'd beat the mother and say he wanted to kill us, and would come down the hallway shouting he wants to kill the black bastards, our hearts pumping in absolute fear, we went to bed dressed in case we had to jump out of the window, it was horrific what they did to us, and that's just a snippet. Andy was dragged out of his bed the most-unforgiveable!!
Andy was an amazing father and would do everything for his daughter. That's when he was introduced to heroin, initially his best friend, a mind blocker, but he was still able to function whilst blocking out his pain. after the first two years he was losing everything and them his partner left with his daughter, that pain was overwhelming for him. He lost his property, cars, everything..Then he hit it hard to the point of smoking £250 a day habit, his weight plummeted, the drug had consumed him. He was now 'just a junkie', prior to his addiction he presented as immaculate, now he was going out with sleep in his eyes with a woolly hat on, unwashed, the difference was overwhelming. We had lost Andy and despite his years of battling with the drug, we kept hoping he'd come back to us. He tried lots of times to get over it, that was agonising for him, he would say how he felt his bones were being stood on, the smell of his skin, feeling freezing cold, retching, he said it was agonising..
He didn't care how he got the drug, he would steal but then that was something he was taught at an early age as being acceptable... he borrowed thousands of pounds, and justified every penny, everyone had given up, he had taken us into an unknown world, a world of evil, where the drug dealers treat them like dirt, but they knew they were helpless, they lose self-respect because the drug takes them into a different world. 
Andy wasn't just a dirty junkie (no one is) he was a victim of child abuse and heroin as evil as it was actually kept him alive, it was only in the latter stages of his addiction that I realised how true this actually was. 
He recalled an incident when he was 5/6 yrs old when he was in the garden crying frantically trying to bury a pair of boxing gloves, his face was red and nose bloody, he said he had to hide them because the game his stepfather played with him hurt him..... ! We were on child protection throughout our lives but terrified to even open our mouths... the police were involved regular visits to the GP. Crazy world!! I remember playing football and the ball was always kicked in his face, I saw many nose bleeds and Andy would stand there and carry on playing, forcing the tears back.
I miss him so so much, we only had each other but in youth we weren’t allowed to talk, we didn’t know each other until I had my children to whom he was an amazing uncle to until my eldest was 14 yeard old, he taught them to swim, ride a bike, play squash, etc, he just adored them, I believe he showed his love for me through them. 
 I know in my heart he would never have chosen the life of a drug addict (no one would), I believe it’s more than just an addiction. It’s like a cancer either you are cured or it will take you. 
I wish I could hug him one more time, when I remember him I remember the lost child, the child/adult holding so much pain. He said it was like a big game, and always wondered why they did what they did and continued throughout adult hood. 
Selfishly I miss the only person in my life that understood my night frights and fear of the dark, despite his addiction he was aways there for me at the end of the phone at any time, we had many conversations at 3-4 am and we shared stories, we both till slept with the light on. Here’s hoping he is free from all the pain now and free to live and is loved unconditionally. I miss him so much, Im sorry I blurted out all of this,  that is just a tiny bit of his journey. I pray he is wrapped in a toasty blanket and safe and free from harm. I want to keep writing, I feel Im sharing apart of him, that I don't want to let go. Just wanting him back but knowing he is free now.... RIP Andy, I miss you sooo much. 
I just wish I never judged him,  and feel guilty for the anger I held inside for him at times.  what a journey?? finally at peace x


21 Oct 2014

Tears come again today, the loss of my brother at times becomes overwhelming.  Guilt is present when I think about the anger I felt for him. 
He used to scream down the phone for £25.00 and a lift. On route he would be retching and forever grateful for my time and money... apologising on route promising to give it up. I used to be fuming begging him to stop, He used to cry saying he knew his only escape was death but said he didn't want to die yet. So he would give it another go, delighted with himself on day four when the worse of it was over. See..I can do it, honestly that's me clean!
I said everyone around him would forgive his past, he used to say it was harder than everyone believed, the guilt he held for stealing of everyone. He said it hurt him. The loss of his partner and daughter hurt him. He said he wasn't sure he could live a normal life again.
He asked if I found it hard to trust people, to accept a hug, we would laugh and he'd say we were really let down weren't we. He said why did no one pick up on me eating loads of sugar, so I could stay awake. He felt completely let down by professionals and people around us. He said he still shakes himself to sleep.
Thieving barstard,  psycho, black basted,  thick, stupid, evil.... words that were regularly used to describe him.
After his beatings he'd come out of the room, sheepish,  bruised, red faced, sometimes he couldnt move properly, sometimes he wouldn't come out till the next day. I said I could hear you screaming Andy are you okay,  he would say "I screamed so he'd think it hurt  me."
We were told our father was a black useless piece of shit,  and he didn't return for us cos he hated us. One year he told us he had seen him hanging when he had been working in Saudi. We were deflated we sat for hours praying he would come and protect us, but he didn't.  Andy always said he would like to meet him, he was Iranian and we were told lots of different stories, so to find him would have been impossible. Apparently he sent family over but nothing after. So he knew where we were at one point.
Our sister was taken on holidays and we stayed at home. 
Mother had several boyfriends, one strangled me with her with a scarf, I remember feeling feint and passed out. Andy was fuming, he stole from his wallet cos he said he deserved it but he was caught.. 
Wow so many stories, so much pain... Andy wasn't able to manage his emotions and used to get cross... It was put down to him being mental, a psycho, no recognition of how the evil environment impacted on him. When she was beaten and never came out of her room we were terrified because he hated us and we were at our most volnerable when she couldnt protect. I remember our breathing became quieter so he couldnt hear us...terrified!
He started smoking at about 7 yr.  I remember he made me take a deeeeeep breath and I coughed my lungs up went green, we were terrified we would wake her up... He left me, she didn't wake up :)
Love and miss you loads Andy X

22 Oct 2014

You are a survivor xxxxxxxxx so many people let you and your brother down....I feel so very sad at your words......your brother is free now...god bless Hunni and so sorry for your loss..your brother sounds like he was a wonderful human, lost ......,take care xxxx

29 Oct 2014

I'm embarrassed to admit how I judged you, how I hated the path you had chosen. I just didn't get it, and probably never will. But in your passing I feel empathy. I genuinely believe after reflecting and looking back over the years reliving your journey (the segments you shared)can only be described as your horrendous journey. Not only a battle with in,  but a battle with societies perception of you because you had been over taken by a stronger force than yourself. The hatred of society and the battle within must have been horrendous and my sincere apologies for being part of your pain. Tears flow as I write this in shame, my brother, my friend yet I judged and condemned you :( 
I have realised too late really that no one would chose the path chosen in naivety,  that one fix, pure bliss, escapism, a mask initially portrayed acceptance, bravery, no more pain, but little did we know was strangling you slowly, killing you day by day, that false sense of security was in fact an enemy that you would never free yourself from. As with child abuse, society judge what they see and not the invisible buckets of poop we carry around. 
I recall your attempts to give up and how you were always asking us to see you as a person and not an addict. Jeez what was I thinking :( only in your passing do I see it. Why so late? 
I recall how you used to cut up the £25 bag in an attempt to cut down and let us see you could do it. 
We need to as a society remove the stigma of a drug addict, it's more than just a choice, if it were that easy to break away from it, let's get real there wouldn't be as many deaths. Andy used to cry in the knowing it would kill him, please who would chose that one. It was agonising for him, he wasn't a dirty junkie, he was a human being trying every day to break free he DID NOT want that life, he had lost the choice it had hold of him. 
There was more to him than being a junkie.  He loved helping people and became a well know figure within his community, he had compassion, he was still a human being.
I miss you every day, tears flow,  the pain of my guilt rushes through me every day. I know now you would never have voluntarily subjected us to your plight. You always said you hated it's power.. now in your passing I recognise how powerful it really was.
I hope you are now resting, sleeping without fear, without the knowing that you needed another fix.
no gas,  no electricity,  no food, no more nice clothes,  ostracised from a judgemental society  really didnt have a clue, just adding to your internal pain, wanting to escape.
I wish you back everyday and can't wait till we are together again, so we can really get to know each other,  share laughter unconditionally. 
I miss you so so much, if only it all were a dream :( X

29 Oct 2014

Can't take no more- Thank you for your generous words.. I wish you happiness and love X

2 Nov 2014

Jeez this has to be the toughest part of life's journey so far. The knowing that you have just gone, suddenly  away with no warning.
Had I of known you had starting injecting maybe I could have somehow started preparing but you kept that to yourself because you didn't want us to worry I guess. The first abscess should have been the warning signs, then the second came untreated. 
I don't know whether it was a twin insight but I knew yr time with us was limited which is why I made sure this Christmas was spent with you. How I hold my head in shame for not spending more time with you, absorbing my thoughts to you being "JUST A JUNKIE", getting cross because you weren't taking responsibility and taking control to break free from the drug. I know in my heart you would never have just given up on your daughter, your nieces. But your body was tiring and you were weakening as everyday came and went.
In many ways as you became more entrapped your inner child surfaced more and more as your body weakened. 
With the only escape you had being the very thing that would ultimately kill you. But in reality your soul had already been taken as child. One blow after another, physical, emotional on a daily basis. We used to laugh when we spoke about from an early age and our belongings thrown down the communal stairwell, as we were being thrown out of the family home and neighbours harbouring us, thankfully they realised the oddities of our mother and they showed us kindness. 
I remember one day I disappeared to have a sneaky bath next door as I was grounded from bathing and showering for disclosing to a relative what was going on, I certainly lived to regret that. The stepfather was on route to  eat you, which was why my disappearance was obvious and she used to give me strawberries and cream, and bubble bath, I was I  heaven for that short period of time.  Even when you returned home for a holiday at that time I wasn't allowed to talk to you because of what I had done. I got a lift home from school, because I was so excited seeing you and from that day on I had to sprint home because if I could get home for my Nigger brother then I could do it everyday day. You even hated coming home, it wasn't long before you regretted it and we're being punished. It's unbelievable the life we had wasn't it. I know there was the occasional good day but as we both recalled  neither of us remember birthdays or Christmas's so the good days were far and few between. 
We did recall one Christmas when his parents bought us some toys, it wasn't long after that the fence in the garden got a hole in it, we must have been no more than 5 years old, we were sent out in the freezing cold garden to talk and one of us had to own up to putting the hole in the barbed wire fence, you said you remember taking the blame, I also remembered taking the blame, our punishment was to bring down our Christmas presents that he stood on and broke up and  put them in the bin, then we were taken upstairs bent over their bed, we had to remove our clothing and he beat us with his belt, that he ceremoniously removed to beat us, then we were sent to bed, even now that brings tears to my eyes because we didn't do that and would never had the strength to either. Evil man.
Your bedroom in the house of horrors was always dark, I never real a light on and I only remember a mates being in there. You used to play with soldiers I remember that. 
On Sundays we were forced to watch the horse racing and we had to sit on the arms of the sofa and if we didn't giddy up quick enough he used to kick us of the sofa and we would have to do it again, this was performed every Sunday, we all hated Sundays. He used to whistle down the path and fear would engulf our hole bodies, petrified not to speak or say something out of turn. I know Andy why you wanted to escape and even really some of this it takes me back to the fear, the fear of life that never really left us did it. My fear of the dark is still real and it's weird how you left me the dog, maybe he is my support in your absence. 
I want to tell your story in your  memory as I feel you deserve it to be told. 
So much opportunity it stripped away from us,  because we were born her 'half cast' children. Do you remember she used to say she brushed out our afro hair, I wish she still had the combe I'd be a millionaire!
I want you back, I wish we could start again and the outcomes would be so different,  we would have had confidante,  trust, belief but we were stripped of everything considered normal.
you had some amazing years though, and everything you did you did it the best, always achieving high in sports, which always helped when  you had to run away from him. You used to run away so often, it was scary. And yr  punishment was always terrifying because I always feared he'd kill you. He hated you so much. Unbelievable what he got away with.
This is so painful, I miss you and I'm so sorry for your agonising journey from start to finish, tear engulf me as I write this but I want your memory heard x I prey you are resting in peace with unconditional love around you x you were an amazing man x

2 Nov 2014

Im so sorry for your loss.Tears came to my eyes because I am now facing my dear husband who is on the road to his grave.I try to get through to him but he is in a world of his own. Now he is still alive I want to hug him and tell him I love him so much but he is not there anymore, just his body.Its like he has already gone .He also had a horrible upbringing ,beaten by his father while his mother encouraging him.He has never got over it.But I hear your words and they've touched my heart . Because I know that one day I will feel just like you are right now.Its like reading my future . But you can keep loving him even though he is not with you.You can keep his memories alive in your heart.You can tell your children about him and honour his life .Loving someone is a precious gift and you love deeply. Its just so tragic.I feel for you. xx

8 Nov 2014

Tears came down again today, it is very difficult knowing you are gone for good. 
Your agonising journey, I judged you didn't I, I fell into Societies view of your addiction and I lost sight of you. 
But I have to say it was hard watching you on that path, and as much as the love I had for you I couldn't help be cross and at a loss of what to do for the best. The more I helped I knew I was enabling, but now you have passed I would give you my last penny, its wicked how the drug controls so many factors of the jigsaw, its covered every part of the beginning, middle and end of the users , their family, friends life, complete control. 
I hated taking you to the dealers houses but then I hated seeing you in pain, it was horrific to watch you crying, screaming, renting, begging, you lost all control to the drug. I question did you have any control? In your passing I recognise it was too powerful for you to ever overcome, yet it is what is expected, what would be a compromise because I do not believe you were treated or judged fairly but then what would have been right. You were stealing from us, manipulating, lying, it was a horrendous journey, you  lost absolutely everything, you even lost the desire for love and companionship, the drug became your whole world. I know when on the drug you functioned, you were great, lived a normal functioning life, but your body and mind were driven to have the drug, there became no relief did there. It was a never ending cycle.
In your untimely sudden passing I have reflected and realised that its not a path you would have chosen, I know that in my heart had you have engaged with appropriate supports you may have still been alive.
Even the rehab ward in the hospital let you down, I remember you telling me that you heard a DR say they never come of it and how they treated you made you feel judged and not worthy.
Maybe if society change their perception and focus on the person rather than the addiction, addicts may not feel so detached. If he had one wish I know in my heart he would have wished he never tried it, but its distorts the mind. 
I would like to start a campaign to change peoples perception of a drug user, lets start initially by trying to empathise rather than judge and ostracise. Of course we have be to be cautious not to enable but that can be achieved without stigma, leaving the addict wit two hurdles to overcome, the addiction and societies view. 
I wish you back everyday and if only tears could wash away your pain and bring you back... Id tell you how much I loved you and Im sorry for the judgements I made, I hated the drug and its influence it had on you, I never stopped loving you x x

11 Nov 2014

In silence you return
It's then my heart burns
I judged you
I hated you
I lost sight of who you were
You'd gone to a place 
that ultimately destroyed you
It took you body and soul
Stripped you 
left you bare
No where to go
It took everything, blow by blow
Leaving you know where to go
Death being your only escape
taking you to your stairway to  heaven
I felt lost last night  when I couldn't sleep, you creepy  in to my thoughts, tragic memories of our childhood stripped from us by two adults who prioritised alcohol and their struggles  mental health  that maybe impaired their judgements, leaving them with no sense of reality. To beat, abuse, emotionally  destroy a human being with no recourse or justice is so unfair. No judgements laid upon them, but Andy was judged, I was judged throughout our lives due to the impact of the wounds they left us to heal. 
I will never forgive them, stolen childhood  and the final blow was your loss. Unforgivable!
As much as it pains me to accept.. Heroine as much as it was jointly responsible  for your untimely death, it eased the wickedness of your childhood. 
Miss you everyday, wish you never took it, it never gave you the false mask that eventually took you. Jeez Andy this is so so hard, tears flow, it's painful. You passed too early :( my only comfort is knowing your agonising journey is over x x x

11 Nov 2014

Why? why have you been taken from me, my heart is so heavy and the tears flow uncontrollably because of the unfairness, your untimely passing, such a tragic loss and I miss you so so much.
I have been grieving your loss for years but this is so final, I knew it was coming but I didn't want it to happen, my dream was always that you'd return and I could get to know you, learn what made you smile, what music you liked, what clothes you liked. I don't believe a bobble had, tracky bottoms and a big coat was you, Heroine stripped every ounce of your life didn't it, taking grip of it all, no room for anyone to get in there and help you see the light. A false sense of reality, it made you believe it was your comfort blanket, your healer, your mask, escape from the world that in fact it took you away from, it ostracised you, stole you from you own life. 
I know material things in life are all but an illusion but you weren't, you were real, my brother, apart of my soul, that was robbed from me twice. Once in childhood and then again in adulthood. So tragically, unfairly abused in every way.  
I hate the word, the meaning, the outcome of Heroine, its abusive, it has no mercy on anyone, the addict their family, their friends, its like a tornado with no care of human life, emotions, its gonna destroy at what ever level it hits, its either gonna kill, or at the very least it will be destructive, the pain the loss it leaves behind, just moving onto to the next victim.
Why are we conditioned to love, when loss is so painful, why.....what is this all really about? 
I miss you Andy, I feel empty, your passing is so wrong, so unfair.

3 Dec 2014

It's hard to put this  pain into words, tears flow leaving me speechless, breathless. . for the first time in my life ive no twin to share my today's with, happiness, my dreams, my anxiety, fear...It's now just me. I wish you back selfishly every day, I'm sorry x
I wish I could speak to you right now... This pain is unimaginable, never did I expect it to be this horrid.
I know you couldn't stop it Andy, it took hold of you...It's has no mercy does it.. It's taken you and left those around you in heartache and pain.I hate this pain... It's awful, agonising, I feel so lost Andy.. 
I don't want to go home, last year you were with us for Christmas, even though I knew your time with us was limited NEVER did I expect it to be so soon. 
Why are we taught to love when loss is this painful!
I know as the addict you felt people had lost faith and hope in you but I never ever did... i hated yr behaviour but never you. It was the drug I hated, how it gave you a false sense of security..then destroyed everything around you before killing you!! 
Just one more hug :( so so unfair! :(

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