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Posted by winkle on 20 March 2017.

I grew up in a village and to everyone that knew me i was just an ordinary child. I didnt feel very ordinary though. I could never put my finger on what i felt like, but mostly i felt that i was'nt worthy or deserved anything or anybody to like or even love me.
I married at 21 and had my first son a year later. The moment he was put in my arms i had this terrible fear that he would either die or go to prison. Irrational or what? But that was how i felt. I didnt have that "rushing and overwhelming" feeling of love, just fear.
I had my second son 2 years later but unfortunately had postnatal depression so i had allsorts of negative feelings in my head.
Both my boys grew up in the village that i grew up in, both were popular and the eldest was very good at sports, the younger very academic. I left their dad when they were 6 and 9 years old but stayed in the same village close to him so my sons could have as much contact as they wanted. I thought , at the time that they took this in their stride, they said and acted as if they did.
At the age of 12 both of them had started to smoke weed. This progressed into MDMA ans Cocaine. Although i never condoned this i always knew and me and my boys were quite open about the fact that they took drugs. In their teenage years this didnt seem to have a large impact on their lives ( or so i thought ) and most of their peers were doing the same as them. I was a stay at home mum through all their school years and when they had left school i started to volunteer in a drug service. I myself have always been interested in addictions and during my life struggled with alcohol, food and depression. I took an NVQ in Substance Misuse and Drugs awareness and my volunteering led to a job which i very much enjoyed. After all i had first hand experience of addiction myself and my boys were dabbling. I moved on to mentoring offenders and ex offenders and very much enjoyed that which then led me to apply to be on an IMB at a category A prison. Ive worked for probation, with the homeless and with people with mental health problems. About 7 years ago my eldest son was using a large amount of speed. He was in a corrosive relationship and had 2 sons with his partner whilst working long hours as a bricklayer. He tried on occasions to come off the speed and just smoke the weed but always gravitated back as he couldnt cope with the come downs. By this point my younger son wasnt as heavily in to drugs as his brother and could take them or leave them , although he was dealing class A's at times. My eldest son was involved in an inedent where he attacked his brother in law with a hammer after many months of bullying from his estranged baby mother and her family. He was sentenced to 5 years in prison and did a total of 2 and 1/2 then came out on license. I was devistated. It absolutely broke my heart. Whilst in prison he started smoking legal highs and toward the end of his sentence was part of the operation of smuggling it in to the prison. At around this point my younger son was caught with class A's in his car outside the HMP his brother was in when he went to visit him one saturday afternoon. My younger son was extremely luck and got off very lightly only getting community payback, a fine and a suspended sentence. After this scare he turned his life around, however, my eldest son didnt turn his life around. After he was released from prison it was party party party, which to be fair was only to be expected but in june last year he started smoking crack and this then led to him smoking heroin. He has been smoking heroin for around 8 months now. He says he is only smoking it. He has been street homeless and caught shop lifting several times. He is currently wanted as he has missed multiple probation appointments and has not paid a fine from 3 months ago when he had another court appearance. He phones me or texts me begging for money, i wont give him any. Ive been through all the self blame, the what if's, i should of done this or should'nt of done that but ultimately i know none of this is my fault. Its the most horrible thing a parent can go through. Its worse than prison hands down. I have had huge upheavals in my own life over the last 18 months ( which i may write another blog about when i have time) and have at times felt so low with no inclination to continue with my life. I just want to know when its all gonna stop? When will these self for filling prophecies end?


21 Mar 2017

Having just read your story I am so sorry to hear of your ongoing strife;I have a somewhat similar situation in mine.I have 3 adult children-the youngest has just turned 30 and since he left school has drifted through life with no light at the end of the tunnel.First it was smoking weed,then alcohol & cocaine when he could afford it.He has been in prison twice,altogether served 1 year inside.
In the last 2 years he has been on alcohol binges which last approx. 3 weeks several times a year & has been hospitalised for detox many times.The authorities have had enough of him being picked up by ambulance & he is no longer treated at hospital unless he has a seizure.I am disabled & can only walk a few metres,also have other health issues so cannot work any more.I have virtually used up all my savings paying off my son's legal & illegal debts to try & help him but it never ends.He is now homeless as nobody wants him wrecking their home as he does.Yesterday he begged me to let him in with a load of drink & when I said no,I was headbutted,handful of hair pulled out & bitten.I did nor report it as am fed up of having my family in the local newspaper gossip.
He has everything to live for-a lovely 2 year old from his relationship which he has destroyed but he does see the child when he is clean & sober.I can't see any happy end to all this so live in a strange twilight world waiting for the worst to happen.I can truly sympathise with you & really hope that life gets easier for you soon.As you say,none of this is our fault.Every good wish to you winkle.

23 Mar 2017

Hi Winkle and Thebe55

Thank you both for sharing your story and we're very sorry to hear of your difficult situation.

If you have had issues with violence, we would recommend contacting the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. This line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

Furthermore if you ever feel you are in immediate danger we would always recommend ringing 999. 

Finally your local council will most likely provide an adult safeguarding service for vulnerable adults. If you search “adult safeguarding” and your local council in google, the contact details should come up. To find out your local authority follow this link and type your postcode into the box:

I hope this is helpful, please feel free to drop us an email at if you had any further questions about other services you might be able to contact. 

Best wishes,

Icarus Trust
27 Mar 2017

Hi Winkle and Thebe55
Its so sad to read both of your stories and the despair you must feel.
Please contact The Icarus Trust if you feel that you could do with someone to talk to. We are a charity that supports the family and friends of addicts and we offer a free service called 'Family Friends. These are trained volunteers who you could talk with if you think it would help.
You can contact us on or visit the website
Hoping that things will get better for both of you. All the best.

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