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We Finally Hit Our Rock Bottom But Our Son Hasn't

Posted by jiggs on 2 January 2018.

Its a long story not unlike so many others but I'll summarize it the best that I can.

AJ is the 3rd of 4 Children.  His drug of choice was pot begining in High School around the age of 14.  He continually broke the house rules, disregarded his school work, stole from us and his siblings, got suspended from school etc etc.  

No punitive measures worked....he just didnt care.  Interventions with counsellors, psychologists didnt work as he refused to go to appointments and or refused their advice or direction.

We were living on egg shells in our own home due to his erratic behavior and drug use.  We hid valuables, money, alcohol etc.  After finally being permanently expelled from school due to suspicion of selling drugs, he was told to get a job or leave.  Well he got a job that lasted 3 months before he was fired.  

His drug use continued and now he was using just about every drug around by age 18.  One day he threatened to burn our house down. That was the last straw and we had him removed from the house by the police.

At about the same time he came into an insurance settlement which he used to buy a car and continued supporting his drug habit with.

We helped him find an apartment which we had to cosign a one year lease as je wasnt working.  We did this thinking that the sizeable insurance payout would be more than enough to support his lease payment for the better part of two years.

Well, shame on us.  Four months later his money was gone and we were on the hook for his lease payments.  We paid this, we bought him groceries, we paid for the insurance repairs on his car etc hoping that he would land on his feet and get a job.

Well in the span of a year he managed to find two part time jobs that he ended up getting fired from, but he sure didnt have any problem buying drugs booze & partying.

In the early fall he was quite ill and we took him to see a specialist who told him after a barrage of testing to stop doing drugs, which he promptly ignored.  We offered rehab, counselling which he also refused.

In November after his lease expired and he/we began month to month we told him our financial aid to him would cease in 3 months. At the beginning of February 2018 he was on his own.

This past Christmas was ruined.  He showed up on our doorstep (drove here) completely wasted out of his mind.  He could barely walk let alone talk. We were absolutely disgusted with him that he risked the lives of innocent people by driving in that condition. His selfishness had now reached a new all time high.

He ended up passing out for near 20 hours straight and was miserable during the rest of his time here as he was coming down from his high.  We found a baggy in the bedroom and it looked like he had crystal meth in it.  He was rude and made everyone uncomfortable.

After Christmas we told him that he was not welcome here in that condition and if he ever showed up on our doorstep in that shape again we would be calling the police to have him arrested.

Well two days ago he was in an accident and wrapped his car around a telephone pole. Fortunately he was alone and didnt take out anyone else.  He ended up with a concussion, and what I consider now to be a god send to the pub!ic at large, a car that he will never be ab!e to drive again and charges laid by the police.

Due to this and his horrendous driving record his license will no doubt be suspended and he will never ever be able to afford automobile insurance again.  Nor does he have the financial means to buy another car...thank god for that.

He is now on welfare which will barely cover his rent.  We told him that we would be able to drive him to the local foodbank once every coup!e of weeks for groceries but we were not going to be his taxi service.

We realize finally that we were enablers.  We were getting a parental "fix" for doing things for him because we loved him and cared for him, when in fact he didnt care about anything or anyone but himself.

We thought everything we were doing were for the right reasons when in fact they were for all the wrong reasons.

We thought we could fix him when in fact there was never any hope of doing that.

We were losing sleep and stressing over him when in fact he was sleeping just fine and not stressed in the least because he knew we would step in to save him.

In the end he took advantage of us and everything we did and we let him.  He is lazy and extremely manipulative.  The usual qualities found with addicts.

Well now it's finally over.  We will no longer be stepping in to bail him out of his bad decisions.  If he now chooses drugs over a warm apartment then he'll be homeless. If he chooses not to work and better his situation then he'll be a regular customer at the foodbank or the soup kitchen.

We finally reached our rock bottom but we know he hasn't hit his yet and its entirely possible that he may never reach that point before its too late....but this will be his choice not ours.  All we have been doing is prolonging the enevitable and making our own personal lives hell.

Comments

Icarus Trust
2 Jan 2018

H,i 
Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I can see how hard life has been for you and your partner plus having to make the very difficult decision to stop enabling your son.
If you feel that it would be helpful to talk with people who would understand what you are going through, then do contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support to people like yourselves who are having to deal with the impact of a loved one's addiction. Maybe talking to one of our experienced trained volunteers might be of help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
All the very best to you.

oldbird
12 Jan 2018

I just read your post and realised you are totally right,  I have been enabling my son all this time,  I hope you strong enough to say No to him, im not there yet but rock bottom is very close.  i send love and understanding to you and your family x

Milo
6 May 2018

We have hit rock bottom but he hasn’t either. I feel sick he is sleeping in his car in same old clothes. I’m ferrified he’s gonna do something but enough is enough. I still pay his car insurance and tax though .. ?. X

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