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when does the pain end??

Posted by gg202 on 12 November 2014.

My partner has a history of cocain and speed using.ive been off and on with him since i was 18 im now 27.we got back together when he was 3 years clean!!life was good!!we fell in love all over again!!we set up home together.planned to get married and have another child.another 3 happy 3 years passed.we had just moved into a bigger house one mornin when he brought me coffee in bed.i drank it got up got dressed and started to feel funny.i went shopping came home and bam!!he met me at the door face twisted screamin and shouting about police.i got my son out the house to his sisters and came back to work out what was going on.he had my phone in his hand and was screaming i was a grass!!he ripped open my top thinking hed find a police wire.i managed to calm the situation and he admitted he had taken a legal high!!heartbroken i figured it was just a little blip!!i stayed with him all night calming his paranoia down!!the next day i picked my son up and felt ill!!just wanted to sleep!!then it twigged!!i confronted him and he admitted he put a little bit in my coffee!!obviously i freaked out!we got back on track and things were good again!about 6 months later it all changed again!!he became secretive,a little paranoid,withdrawn and distant.i had that churnin deep down but put it to the back of my mind convinced he wouldnt risk every thing we had!!a few months later i found a bag of speed in our freezer!!i hit the roof!!he convinced me it was just a blip!!his behaviour got worse and he was always at the neighbours house.he took out contract phones for them etc without telling me.then i found a empty bag down the toilet!!this time i tried to kick him out!!he made a big scene and my son was at home so j eventually let him got much worse!!he then didnt even try n hide what he was doing!!the paranoia got worse he was a different man!!i was becoming helpless!!the arguments got worse!!he accused me of being pregnant with another mans baby!!he canstantly put me down!!hed snatch my phone and go through it all!then one night i came home from work he demanded £80 to pay off his debt.i went out came back few hours later a little drunk and he wanted more money!!i refused we argued for a while i hid my purse n went to bed.i got woke up by him screaming for money.i sat up told him he wasnt having it.he slapped me across the face and i fell off the bed into draws!!i cried for hours!!i now knew id lost my man!!but still i dint leave!!some how we got through xmas.we now hardly spoke if we did it was to argue!or he would tell me how useless i was!!that i was nothing without him!!i cant explain what a dark and lonely place i was in!!trying to keep this from my child!!but it gets worse my best friend commited suicide!!i struggled to cope!!i went to the drs and they gave me valium.the arguments got worse!!he tried to push me down the i was hitting him!!drug dealers were coming to my door!!he constantly lied!!i was at an all time low!!now tho he was getting exausted the paranoia was worse!!so hed take other ppls medication and sleep for 3 days get up b an arse and score!!by now my dr has upped my anti depressants!!im in this hell and im stuck!!im not trying to keep the peace any more!!im not even scared any more im bitter and im angry and i dont know what to do!!arguments esculate!!im losing my temper and throwing things!!im starting to sit in a room and drink when my sons in bed!!i dont wanna get out of bed in the mornin!!ive begged him to stop ive begged his dealer to stop serving him!!now there both lying to me!!ive had enough a year has passed!!i now believe ive drove him to this like he says!!im useless!!im worthless!!i take an over dose!!get into bed and go to sleep!!he wakes me up sees something is wrong!!i say im fine he drags me downstairs checks his stash!!hes calmer now its still there eventually i tell him what ive rushed to hospital!!its too late!!over a thousand paracetamol are in my system!!i need a drip my kidneys are slowing down!!i beg them to let me dye!!as i drift in and out out of conciousness!!they dont listen!!3 days later my fella brings my son to see me!!i hug him so tight!!i realise what ive done!my man well he wad on his phone probably arranging to score!!im aloud home a few days later!after i see a shrink!!i lie and say its the strain of my friends suicide!!back home the house is calm im greatful to b sat with my son!!i realise i cant do this!!im about to say im leaving him when he announces hes got a place in a rehab!he gets a call a few hours later saying they have him a bed!!hes goin in the morning!!he scores he drinks says its one last time!!i pack his case and hes gone!!the relief!!he phones after a couple of weeks asks me to visit!i do.he looks well!!begs for one last chance says we can do it!!i believe him!4 weeks later hes home.its strange im on edge but its calm we go to the park.even go on a date.oh no i smell alcohol on him!!im crushed!!he starts going back to his nasty ways.hes relapsed after less than a month!!im fighting back now the police are called!!again n again!!ive got a domestic violence officer!!we all work together and get him into rehab again!!this time im sure hel do it ge will stay clean!!3 months later hes home and hes relapsed!!its getting ugly theres holes in doors marks on the walls from arguments n things being thrown!i take my son and we run we leave town!!we start again near my parents hes on the fone hes blackmailing me he threatening me!!i change my number.and build my new life.i hear hes in rehab again.3 months later he shows up at my parents!!hes 3 months clean!!we agree contact once a month.its worked hes a year clean!!he wants to get back together.i still love him!!hes the man i fell in love with again!!but can we really ever get passed all we have been through!!he wont talk about the 3 years he was using!!says its painfull.i need to see remorse!!were getting on great again now hes back to the loving caring man he was!!but im still torn!!as much as i love him he will always b an addict!!at any point he could use and we go back through the hell all over again!!does it ever go??can i put all those nights i was scared to go to sleep!!all those mornings i was scared to wake up incase he was dead!!theres alot of empathy for addicts but not do much for the familys who get so desperate so lost!!not knowing what to do or where to go!!


12 Nov 2014

I've read and re read your story, and really want to wrap my arms around you. Hunni, the sooner you realise you can't save him, the sooner you will know that leaving him and being safe was the right decision. Domestic violence is all part of drug they don't mean it, but the addiction is bigger! And for anyone who thinks domestic violence is a punch or kick, it's not..what your partner was doing was verbal abuse and that can be far worse than the physical kind..your child deserves to be safe, and not have to deal with do you! If he really wants to change he will....if he wants his fsmily he will fight to stay clean every day....until then you are in the best place..please be aware that addicts are fabulous liars. Please find a support group and go..speak to others. It was my son had and still has an addiction to alcohol and varying drugs..he is in recovery, but it's still as hard...he has lied, stolen, gone to prison ...all because of his addictions.ive seen the horrible side of it, been verbally abused, stolen off, and all by my son. Hunni, it's time to think of you and your child....please please please take care of yourself....hugs xxxx

14 Nov 2014

I have read your story you need to believe in yourself and how brave you have been and to think about your self and your son .i believe he will never change ,you need plenty of support from your family and friends to get through this take one step at a time for yourself and your son .you are a very strong person l know you what to be happy l wish you the best and l give you a big hugs always kazxx

Icarus Trust
17 Nov 2014

So sad to read your story. There are people out there who can help you. The Icarus trust is a charity who have a team of Family Friends, one of whom could be assigned to you to listen and help you to find help.
You can contact us on or visit the website
I really hope this helps.

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