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Here again

Posted by justme1 on 25 April 2015.

Posted by justme on 10 February 2014.

Hi i hope someone can help. My husband has been using heroin and crack heavily over last few years. I only found out in march last year and its been horrendous. We have 2 children, he doesnt work and doesnt do anything to help. All he does is sleep all day then goes off all night. I stupidly started texting a couple of male friends mainly because of neglect, lack of affection and the fact i was working and caring for him and kids plus paying his debts and house bills. He got help in august and i started tailing off the emotional affairs. Unfortunately he was still smoking crack but had stayed off heroin. Just after new year he went through my phone and found the texts. He is now turning it round on me, im the bad one. He says he has reasons why he uses drugs but ive taken it that step further. Im at my wits end. Ive suffered so much yet he doesnt see it. Its all about him and his feelings. What do i do?

Well, here I am again 16 months later and while I thought everything would work out its not.
A few clean months then he returned to crack, to the tune of £500 a month. Then a return to heroin for a while and back to crack. Since Feb this year he got on a subutex script but still maintains his crack habit. 
Last few weeks have been awful,  he's been distant. Then last night he went out drank god only knows how much, smoked crack and had cocaine over a binge of 9 hours. I picked him up and at first he was fine, then suddenly became abusive and aggressive  towards me, raking up the past, calling me all sorts and smacking me around the head while i was driving. He said I was the reason he was on drugs and that he hated me. He punched the windscreen, cracking it. 
Today he still maintains all this stems from 16 months ago. Yes I know  I was in the wrong and have tried my level best to prove my worth to him, show him I'm sorry and try to work through it. Trouble is, the day he found the texts on my phone was a very emotional  time for us both, he left taking my phone and turned up late the following night to confront me. I admitted everything and explained  why I had done it. He asked me if I'd slept with anyone, which I hadn't as it was purely emotional. Long story short he refused to believe me, 3am he's sitting with a needle full of heroin threatening to inject himself to overdose because  he didn't believe me. At which point after 2 days of helll and then hours of being called a liar etc I said I had done something just to stop it all. I know the minute I said it it was the  worst thing I could  of done but I was at the point of giving up.
I told him the next day I had said what I did to stop the madness. Things stayed strained for months, me still maintaining my innocence. I thought if I persevered then the truth would out proving I didnt do anything. It didn't work. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, things had been a lot better for Xmas into feb/march. Still using crack and heroin but happy. Now this. I just don't understand, he interogated  me again last night but I stood my ground, took the hits and the abuse. 
I'm confused, is this seriously the sole consequence of the lie I told or an excuse to hit the drugs again without having to be responsible  for  it? He was on drugs before it happened and now he says that the only way for him to deal with this is through  heroin/crack. Please someone help.


25 Apr 2015

The first paragraph  is the original  post.

27 Apr 2015

Hi justme1,

I hope that by sharing some of my story that you can see and feel hope in your situation.

A few months into marriage, the day I secretly dreaded happened, my husband relapsed. It broke my heart because everything seemed ok, we were happy and it's like he took his eye off the ball and became ensnared again to the evil that is drugs.

I believe that because we are tripartite beings (body,soul and spirit), that taking drugs is a spiritual as well as physical or psychological problem. It is an illness, but also a choice. Medication and counselling can deal with the physical and psychological side of things but only God can deal with the spiritual. What I mean by this is I prayed, I read my bible to find scriptures of comfort that I could meditate upon and also rely on to increase my faith to believe God for the impossible to happen I.e. Setting the man that I love dearly free from the unseen darkness that would lure someone into taking something so deadly, attractive.

It really knocked me for six because there was no rhyme or reason for this madness and heartache that he was putting me through by his choices, but what got me through was my faith in Jesus Christ, even at my weakest point I held on if only but barely, but there were a few people at my church that knew what we were going through and they'd pray for us/me and always encouraged us that no situation is ever to hard for God.

I eventually stopped becoming an enabler and blaming myself for the situation, acknowledging that he is an adult and is responsible for his choices, regardless of what he may have been through in the past, there is always a choice. 

Within a few months he was engaging with his drug worker very slowly but surely, and was receiving medication and counselling. It's been a slow and steady process but we're getting there. We continue to trust in Jesus Christ that all things are possible through Him if we believe. My husband now encourages others who are held captive by the evil that is drugs, and other things, and many have been helped.

You don't deserve to be abused whether emotionally or physically, neglect is abuse too! I allowed myself to be emotionally abused for a while, to the point where I tried to take my life, until I stopped being an enabler and blaming myself as mentioned above. 

I can't stress enough how central and key our relationship with Jesus Christ has been in helping me as an individual, my husband as an individual and helping our marriage get back on track. I had to do much forgiving and allowing my broken heart to be healed, it hasn't been overnight, but one heck of a journey. I love my husband more than ever, warts and all.

I would like to leave this scripture with you from the book of Matthew Chapter 11 verses 28-30, that I hope will provide comfort and be a catalyst for change in your life:
28Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
29Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Icarus Trust
11 May 2015

What a horrible situation you are in but you are not to blame for your husbands addiction. It is very very sad that you have been both emotionally and physically abused but there is help available if you want it. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support for people like yourself who are affected by the addiction of a friend or  family member. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our 'family Friend.' These are trained volunteers who have lots of experience of supporting people in situations like yourself. This is a free service so I hope that you might give us a try.
You can contact us on or visit the website
I hope that you can get some help. Good luck!

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