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my partners depression and drug problem

Posted by deborag on 10 June 2015.

I have been with my partner for 11 years and we have 3 children under 10. 8years ago he was diagnosed with depression after I found numerous empty tablet packets hid around the house. Since then iv been lied to non stop about tablets, where hes been, what hes spent money on and small silly things I literally dont believe a word he says. I love him so iv supported him as much as I could blaming everything on depression. His brother tragically died 3 years ago. Obviously its been hard for him and I have tried to be understanding as I have had a tragic death in my family too. My issue is we had our 3rd child 8 months ago and since she was born my partner has got worse hes like a completely different person. I had an awful traumatic birth which resulted in me not being able to have anymore children, he wasnt supportive whatsoever, made me feel guilty for being in hospital because he was looking after our other 2 children (with the help of his mum) so I signed myself out early. For the first 3 months he was 'off his head' on god knows what and obviously denied it and blamed me for apparently causing problems! He will lay in bed for 3 days telling me hes too depressed to help with housework or kids but if his friends need him to help with something hes away like a shot. He wont speak a word to me for days but I hear him chatting and laughing to other people. I cant take it anymore I feel like im going crazy im so angry inside I feel like ill explode. My question is do I have to put up with this behaviour because he has depression
and his brother died? I dont want to upset my children because they love their daddy but I just cant cope with it anymore!


12 Jun 2015

No you don't have to put up with that behaviour, no it's not your fault and yes you need to put yourself first. I think it's best to have a really open discussion about where this life is leading you and where you want it to be. You have a choice and the choices you make will have consequences but being dragged down by your partners issues isn't fair and unless he is prepared to acknowledge a problem and address it by seeking help then there really isn't much you can do to help.  Unfortunately there isn't a magic wand you can wave to just fix a person but you can choose whether you spend any more energy trying to fix them or focus on yourself. It's not selfish to want to be happy even if that means sacrificing a relationship. I wish it was simple and that I could take my own advice but my husband has acknowledged his alcoholism and wants to get help but I have told him I haven't made any decisions about staying with him or not and will not be rushed to do so, so we are in limbo at the moment. You do have a choice, a relationship shouldn't feel like a prison sentence and you shouldn't feel guilty about putting yourself and your children first x

Icarus Trust
23 Jun 2015

Your partner's behaviour really isn't your fault and Flo is right you can put yourself and your children first. If you would like some support for yourself The Icarus Trust is a charity that is there to help the friends and families of addicts. We have  trained volunteers who you could talk to if you feel that it would be helpful. It is a free service and they have lots of experience of talking to people in similar situations to yourself. Talking with someone who understands can often help you to make decisions and see the way ahead.
You can contact us on or visit the website
Good luck!

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