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Secret functional addict?

Posted by Sebiana on 25 November 2014.

i have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I have 2 children to a previous partner aged 7 & 15yrs, and a 1 year old together, my husband has been caught out a few times taking cocaine over the years but convinced me it was a one off, as in oh we where at a night club or stag do.

Recently he had a visit from an old friend and they went out drinking he never came home, I was annoyed but assumed he had gone to a party and crashed on a mates sofa only to find early the next morning the police at the door, at first I thought they had been an accident but the officer explained that he had been arrested for possession, they couldn't tell me what drug but had a warrant to search the house, I was mortified, my eldest son took the little ones up stairs the officers asked if I knew if there was drugs in the house, I immediately said no however within a few minutes of searching the kitchen they found evidence of drug use, there was 4 empty bags containing traces of white powder, tin foil scrunched up wrapped in cellophane, a homemade crack pipe, something that you use to burn drugs in (gauze thing) and a empty bag of white powder über ther steering wheel in his car, I knew instantly what the pipe was.

After being released from prison my husband told me he had been smoking speed, I no you can't smoke street speed so could only be meth amphetamine. 

We have recently moved into this house and only lived here 3 weeks so all them empty bags have been smoked with in 3 weeks. 

I am completely heart broken, my brother died 7 years ago through drug abuse my husband knows how I feel about drug use, he has used money that should have been put into the house keeping I have 2 jobs and have worked my arse off the last 2 years to get us out of financial problems as my husbands business went under last year. 

He has lied and deceived me for years he admitted that it was crack cocaine, he said he hasn't done it for long but as I control the finances and couldn't afford cocaine anymore so looked for a substitute, this is a problem this isn't a everyone and again use 

He is in complete denial and says he takes drugs when he is stressed to help him get through life, we lost our first home as his business started to struggle it was repossessed  by the bank, he then carried on with the business for another 2 years falling into more debt never paid anything towards running cost of the house or children until earlier this year I had enough and made him close it down. 

I have asked him to leave the family home as he has crossed the line, he has put my children at risk and that I cannot forgive, I can't bare to look at him I'm just overwhelmed with utter disappointment how could he do this to us. 

He has been staying at a friends house and though after a couple of days when I've calmed down he would be back and all will be normal, I don't think so, I've explained to him I believe he has a drug addiction I am prepared to stand by him only if he gets help, he wanted to see the children so tikka drugs test before hand it was clear which was good, he's been clean for 10 days now but I don't think the withdrawal process has started yet, he thinks because he functions he's not an addict, he won't admit it doesn't see the seriousness of this situation, he keeps asking me to meet up and try's kissing me and hugging me but I don't want that, it makes me feel like I'm accepting this behaviour and I am not, not at all, he makes me feel so guilty and I really want to believe him when he says he will stop but I just can't 

I'm going to see a councillor who offers family support for people with drug abuse as I've no idea how to cope with this, I don't want our marraige to  end but he's put me in an impossible position with no where to turn, he said if he don't have us he might as well carry on taking drugs this I feel is emotional blackmail and wrong on the other hand I would feel responsible if he chose the other path am I wrong to give him hope just so he has a chance to get better


Icarus Trust
25 Nov 2014

Hi Sebiana,
This is really tough for you but I think you are being so strong in what must be such a hard situation.
I am glad that you are going to see a counsellor who I hope will help you. 
Sometimes it helps to know that there are loads of other people who are dealing with similar problems, and often it helps to talk to people who really know how you feel.
There is a charity called The Icarus Trust who offer a free service supporting families affected by addiction. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our trained Family Friends. They would be there to talk, share experiences and offer help and support. Its free so it might be worth you giving it a go.
You can contact us on or visit the website
Good luck with everything!

3 Dec 2014

Our stories are almost identical.
I have been with my husband for 16 years,married for 9. We have 2 children -8 and 4.
Like you, over the years i found evidence of him using cocaine and got the same excuses as you -"i was drunk", "it was a one off".
He ran his own business but, i realise now, his head wasn't in the game to be professional enough to run the business so he started losing business due to his unreliability. His contributions to the household finances became more adhoc and hr stopped paying the mortgage which resulted in a court hearing for repossesion early on this year. Luckily i managed to scrape some funds togethers but we know have a suspended court order on the house.
This year has been a nightmare. He has been the docs a couple of times, started on antidepressants, started counselling but only keeps it up for a month or two before he goes back to his selfish cocaine using self. Whats frightening is his begaviour can be "normal" and i see glimpses of the man i married to completely erratic. I have made it overwhelming clear to him that i would support him if he got help to get better but i now realise he was doing it to keep me happy rather than wanting it himself.
My situation came to a head in september when i came downstairs at midnight for medicine for our ill daughter and caught him snorting cocaine off the kitchen side. He moved out immediately but i think he thought i would change my mind in a week or two and i would take him back if he promised to ger help. I have done that a couple of times over the past 2 years. This time I havent. The family home is up for sale. During this time, he has made NO attempt to work on his addiction. He says he will but doesnt. He claims he isnt addicted but he is. My hubbie was the vainest man you could meet -now he can turn up wearing the same clothes for 2 days not having had a shower. Like your partner, he says if he isnt with me he has no incentive to change. I point out that even though our marriage is over, we still have 2 children together that he should get better for.
I wont lie the past 2 months have been rough. He doesnt give me a penny yet i know for a fact that he uses what little money he does have to go out drinking. He turns up to see the kids when it suits him and it id usually only a brief visit -he says it is "too hard" for him. I have had to contact a debt charity called StepChange to help with my finances ( they are fantastic!) as i have had no support off him whatsoever. What i can say is that although i have tough days, they are nowhere near as bad as what they were like when he was still at home -the lies, the moodswings, the empty bags of cocaine found hidden in coat pockets, down side of couch etc. towards the end, i could feel anxiety taking over me and i didnt want that for my childrens sake.
I know i am the start of a long road but i feel stronger than i did when he was here. Yes there are times when my heart breaks for him and i want to "rescue" him but then i remind myself of the times i have text or rang him begging him to come and see the children because they miss him so desperately and he ignores me. Its hard to bear as prior to this he was a fantastic husband and dad but cocaine and alcohol has turned him into someone i dont recognise.
My advice to you is focus on getting yourself better and strong. Focus on your childrens happiness, not his. Maybe when he sees how strong and serious you are it will kickstart him into getting some help. He may though continue on this path of self destruction though. You can't save him from this. He has to want it himself. If you continue to take him back with no real positive action from him, your misery will continue-believe me, i'm proof!
I wish you the very best. Please know that you are not alone in this struggle. Take care x

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